The Prayers of a Desperate Whore

   I had been on the streets of Miami, Florida, for a few days now. At sixteen years old I was not prepared for all that I was experiencing.

When Unique and I returned to our Motel room with Q, I was faced with the reality that every night would be spent in bed with the two of them, and Unique and I weren't allowed to be dressed. To this day I have to wear something in bed because of how uncomfortable it makes me feel.
 At some point during the week we moved closer to South Beach and started working the strip. It was tiring work, and I was exhausted, sunburned, and achey all over. However there was no going back that I saw. I was so terrified that my parents would disown me for doing something so terrible. It only got worse and worse and I could not wrap my mind around how far I had fallen.
 We stopped in at a McDonalds, and Q encouraged me to eat, even though I hardly had an appetite. Eating my parfait, he told me that I'd have to eat more to keep my butt big, because a big assed white girl was the whole attraction. After years of hearing that I was too heavy from my mother, I felt somewhat confused as to how I ought to respond to this. Was it a compliment, or was it a lie? With no way to know that I was a healthy weight and should love myself as I was, I felt perplexed and pushed it aside. I never knew that it would come back to haunt me for years more.
Working that strip was nervewracking, and I never even saw the beach because I was so tied up getting in men's cars, being driven to cheap by-the-hour motels, and bartering with johns about my prices. It would have been a decent deal, making good money, if it hadn't all gone to Q for him to burn through purchasing cocaine, pot, and booze.
 The new motel was a two bedroom place that had a sickly green paint job. I realized pretty quickly that I was having itching and burning, and Unique drew me a bubblebath with baby oil in it, telling me to keep my washcloth separate from theirs.
 One night we were going to head out to work a new spot, and I put on some of her makeup, and since I had never used much before I wound up with it caked on my eyelids and really did look the part of a whore.
 That particular night was emotionally very difficult for me. At first I wasn't feeling so bad, walking up and down the alley in a new outfit Q had bought me from Marshalls. That quickly changed when a man drove up and I got in his car. We were on our way to the motel and I spotted a baby seat in the back. My heart nearly stopped, realizing how real it all was, and how I felt like a life ruiner. This man, I thought at the time, probably had a wife or a girlfriend, and that was his child's seat behind me. I felt for the first time that I was a whore, and was dragging this man down with me. I told him to turn around and drop me off, but I kept the money because I needed to give it to Q. I thought nothing of morals, only of not angering my pimp.
 I was rapidly spotted by a man standing outside the nearby club. He was black, had dreadlocks, and wore a cheap suit with nasty socks. He and the bouncer started chatting me up and I was ushered upstairs, inside. He bought me a beer, and offered me a second one and ecstasy. I said no, once again to the drugs, and he wanted to buy services from me. We started out in a private section of the dark club, music thumping, people dancing...We wound up on the roof in some bathrooms and I only got paid sixty dollars. I walked home in the early morning light, bumping into Unique. She told me to tell Q that I had gotten paid sixty to sit with someone rather than do anything so he would not be as angry. So that is what I did. Q was angry beyond belief at the two of us for not bringing in enough money. He screamed at our faces and yelled, "Daddy is very angry right now! Daddy is very, very angry!" His voice quieted to a sinister calm, and he almost whispered, as though he were afraid of doing something terrible, "Leave Daddy alone. Daddy doesn't want to see you." He told me to go and get him food from the nearby McDonalds, as Unique was sick in bed.
 Unique had just asked me if I used condoms every time I had sex, and I had said no. She asked me if I had slept with caveman, and I denied. But she knew. And she told me he had HIV.
I felt my soul die. I was already experiencing some STD symptoms and was filled with fear. That moment I asked Q if I could go get checked for any problems. He told me of course, as he and I walked around outside. He hugged me, and I hugged him so tightly with tears beginning to threaten.

 There was an old historic Catholic church right next to us, and I asked him if I could go in and spend some time there. He quickly conceded, and I walked right in the door and sat down. I began to pray like I had never prayed before. I prayed that I didn't have HIV, I prayed that I would figure out what to do, I made promises I could never keep, I swore things I could never hold true to. Those prayers, the prayers of a desperate whore, slipped off my tongue as the tears slipped down my face in waterfalls.

Prostitute, Meet Undercover Cop

It was already dark out, and very late by the time Q's uncle picked up Unique, Q, and me to drive over to a more urbanized area of the city to find dates. We just needed the Uncle for his car, but it was a nice change from buses and cabs. Somehow though, sitting in that backseat in the dark, hip-hop music (which I had never really heard before) playing on the radio, and a very ominous energy in the air, I felt very frightened. I realized that I would 'really' be prostituting. No fun and games. No messing around.
Unique made taunted and teased me when I went to put my seatbelt on; I don't remember if I wore it or not , but it added to the strange feelings in my heart. Adrenaline pumping, and heart beating faster than was probably healthy, I struggled to maintain a calm and collected demeanor. I was determined to seem professional, as if I knew what I was doing, even though I was clueless and terrified because the unknown quantities were bearing down on me like an anvil.
I glanced at Unique repeatedly, trying to grasp at something that might calm my panicked mind. I breathed deeply, and began to realize that I was going to have to do this.
We were dropped off on a corner street outside of a short stay motel that had red neon lights flashing all over it, advertising itself as a prime spot for hour long hookups. And a great place to take johns.
I stood on one side of the corner, Unique on the other. We paced the sidewalks, and I was freezing cold, my arms prickling with cold, I was dreaming of a warm blanket, a jacket, a bed. I was tired, and I didn't want to be out there. I picked up a few guys, and I tried to get them to buy condoms at the motel. And yes...it was that kind of motel.
Quincy had given us a few rules that we were supposed to follow. He, even though he was black himself, didn't want us to pick up black guys. And also, avoid anyone who looked like a pimp. I swear, I didn't know what a pimp looked like. Also, we could charge nothing less than $80 per job, preferrably $100, (get as much as we could) and if the job was taking too long, we stop and ask for more money to continue. Get the money up front, and if they take too long and won't pay any extra, they were wasting our time when we could be out there getting more money. His idea of too long was something like fifteen to twenty minutes. Fast turn over.
This one guy that night was taking 'too long' and I tried to extort more cash out of him, and he cried bullshit. He wanted his money back. When I wouldn't give it to him and I left, he followed me, cursing at me, and trying to mess with me. Unique came over and gave him what for, and he got in his car and left, blaring his car horn and yelling out the window.
We kept working, but Unique got lazy and didn't want to stay. She said we could call Q and tell him to come pick us up, and we'd tell him that the asshole pulled a gun on us so we wouldn't get in trouble. I was fine with that idea.
Some of my memories blur together, but on one night I was on that same street, I was signaled by a big black SUV. I walked over, and started talking to the guy. We hadnt gotten very far when I heard a siren, and saw a flash of red and blue lights.
A police car pulled in and I froze. I was utterly terrified. The cop got out and told me to step away fom the vehicle.
I backed up, and backed up, and backed up. Very slowly.
The cop began to talk to the john, who may have been an undercover officer...but I don't really know for certain. He then came and talked to me. He asked e my name "Harper" I told him. And how old I was. "eighteen" I told him. I was shaking from head to toe, from the cold, and from fear and anxiety. I was petrified. The officer was young. A good looking young man, gentle voice, soft spoken, with calm mannerisms.
He didn't act like he was going to arrest me. All he did was tell me that I was too pretty of a girl, and too young, to be wasting my life away like this. I had too much to lose. Basically a pep talk. But a nice one. I heard his words, but kept thinking to myself, "BUT ARE YOU GOING TO ARREST ME?" he didn't, and I was so relieved, I almost danced over to Unique, but my legs were too weak and unsteady for me to walk straight; I was so shaken up, and Unique and I were terrified that they were patrolling the area, that we called Q and headed straight home.

No more cops for me. I was done with them. And now everone looked like a cop. My paranoia went through the roof. Because...you never know, really. Who is this guy? Is he an undercover cop? Is he going to arrest me? I was terrified. I was going to get more and more scared as time progressed, I just didn't know it. 

Snow in Miami

Unique wanted to go swimming; neither of us had bathing suits, so we wore shirts and underwear in the water instead. I wore a sheer purple top and blue starry panties, and Unique took her cheap ratty blond wig off. It was dark out, but the pool seemed like a fun idea. Q sat at a table nearby, smoking and drinking a beer.
We waved at a man walking past, on the second floor balcony, and called for him to come join us. He did, bringing vodka and sprite, as well as some Jewish food. We fooled around in the water, and it was so much fun for me. I got tossed through the air, landing back into the pool, all of this in the cool night air. Unique and I showed off the whole time, drank vodka, and smoked a cigarette...even though at the time it wasn't particularly enjoyable. Looking back I don't know how I could ever have not enjoyed a cigarette, but there it is. I didn't like it.
It was a great evening, and I wish it could have lasted longer, but soon we retired to our rooms, and Q was infuriated at us. Enraged that we had wasted so much time and effort doing...nothing. Flirting with someone and letting a man touch us who wouldn't even pay for a date.
The man came to our room and wanted to hang out with us some more. Unique let him in, and I got very nervous. But I acted friendly.
Quincy came in and was so outraged he began demanding to the man that he leave. He didn't want to leave. A massive argument ensued, and they began pushing and shoving each other, their voices extremely loud. They took it out into the hall, and Q shut him out, telling him not to come back.
Barging into the motel room, he began to berate us, and curse at us, most of it directed towards Unique. Unique was beginning to resent me; I could feel it.
He wanted us to make better money, and was going to call his uncle to come and drive us out to a better working street.
He had me iron his shirt, I remember distinctly. I recall that I was in my tiny onesie outfit, my crotch burning, and standing over the bed with a cranky old iron, pressing the creases out of his shirt, knowing that if I messed it up at all he was going to get very, very angry at me, and I didn't want that. 
We got ready to work, and Unique and Snow were ready to face the world. 
But I wasn't. 'Snow' aka 'Harper Bryson' may have been kind of ready...ish. But me...this person...would never be ready. 
But Snow.
Snow was ready for anything. She thought. 

Karma's Mind Games

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Sex: All A Girl is Good For

South Beach. Unique kept talking on and on about. How much money we were going to make. She and Q had given me my working name, Snow. Not at all racially directed. Not at all.
Unique said we were going to be able to get a car, and a little dog, and eat out at fancy places like Red Lobster. We were going to get bikinis and exercise on the beach, and make wads of cash.
It didn't work out that way though. Q wouldn't let us work for less than eighty dollars a trick. He didn't want us to be 'cheap hoes'. This made it extremely difficult to find obliging men willing to pay. More strenuous still to find these men who actually had money. Or enough of it. There were more than a few times I had to turn men down because they wouldn't pay up enough. However, this was when I began to perform various sexual acts inside of client's cars. It was weird at first - no, it was always weird. It never got normal. It never got better.
I came back to Q at the designated time, and at the meetup point (McDonalds) and he was pissed at me for not making enough money. However, he was much more angry at Unique. She had made him a net total of zero dollars. Nothing...she said it wasnt a good street to be working, and not a good time either. Q told me I did a good job, but blasted, in a low and frightening tone, at Unique that 'the new white girl' was showing her up. And she was getting lazy. I was doing a better job than she was, and I was fresh, and she was supposed to be his 'bottom girl'.
We got some food at McDonalds, after I turned my money over to Q, and he told me to make sure I ate enough, since I only got a parfait. He didn't want to see me lose 'that beautiful ass' I had. If only I'd stop getting these confusing signals from people! Was I too fat? Too thin? Too white? Too tall? Too short? I didn't know what anybody wanted of me or my body, except tht I was good for one thing.
I was good for having sex. Sex was what I was good for. Everything else was meaningless, and if I wasn't servicing with my body, I might as well give up because I was of no other use in society.
I didn't realize that it's mindset had formed in me, but it would stay with me for the rest of my teenage years.
For the rest of the day, after an insult to my fanny pack from Q, I continued seeking out men, finding them in the strangest of ways. Some of them frightened me. All of them disgusted me.
Later I would find that I couldn't stomach some of what this job called for. In the meantime, however, I harassed men, calling out to them, "Hey baby, wanna have a good time?" flashing one of the smiles no one could turn away from, and had to at least respond to...even if they couldn't oblige me with what I needed - their money.
Sometimes I think about those times, and wish that someone would have just seen my need and instead of having sex with me, would have paid me the full amount just to sit and talk. I could have used that.That's really all I wanted; someone to talk to. Someone who would listen to my pain.
But I had no one. I was missing.

Missing. That's a big word for one kid. I didn't even think about that...but I really missed home. And I was very, very scared. 

Streetwalker

South Beach, bustling with traffic, was exciting to me as Q, Unique and I made our way down the streets trying to find a place to settle. Unique and I found a man on a motorcycle signaling us, and we both claimed on and rode to his apartment. Apparently he was not a 'serious' customer, and we didn't even get any money from him. We were lucky that he even gave us a ride back to where we were picked up. We kept walking, but without any luck. Q was not happy that things were going so poorly. We Got back on the bus, and rode to a motel where we began to settle in. We needed to make some money; Unique told me that I really needed to give Q my cash as a sign of trust in him. He wouldn't let me down. It would be worth it if I trusted him. So I gave him over two hundred and eighty dollars. Everything I had.

We pushed the beds together, forming one huge bed, removing the night stand. Q had us get undressed; he didn't want us wearing anything at all when we were in the room, particularly not in the  bed. 

It was painful sex. It was horrible sex. I was his property now. Unique was marked as his with a large 'Q' tattooed on her left thigh. They wanted me to get one. 

This was the first time I really engaged in sex with a woman; but neither man nor woman could take away the pain that was growing in my chest, in the pit of my stomach. 

Unique and I were sent out to the bus stop on the corner to try to turn some tricks. It was freezing; the pair didn't approve of my clothing, and so I borrowed one of Unique's one piece, sleeveless onesie shorts outfits. It was too small. It dug painfully into my crotch, rode up my backside, and was too little fabric for such a cold April night. 

Unique slacked off - all night. She sat on the bench. Smoking. Not even trying. I tried so hard. I just wanted to make it. I didn't want to make Q angry. 

But we did. Q was very angry. We were supposed to bring him at least three hundred dollars each, he said, make something, he said, not be so lazy, he said. 

We slept for a few hours, and went back out the next morning. I did, at least. Unique was too busy snorting coke and getting wasted. 

She said she was tired. I told Q I would make it up to him. He told me I had better prove my worth. 

I spent hours in the hot sun, walking the street, finding men...who never followed up. 

It felt like failure. My skin was red and burnt. It was too hot and the rays were too intense for me too be walking for hours upon hours in the sun with no sunscreen, no protection, no rest. No water. 

I finally gave up, and went back in to the room. I told Q I tried. 

He was upset, but he just said we'd try going closer to the beach. 

That's where we headed next. 

South Beach. 

My Pimp Emerges

Sitting in the corner room of the Camelot Inn with my two windows open, the sun shining through and a breeze gently blowing, I felt happy and hopeful. I was at peace. I was relaxing, hanging one leg out of the window, gazing up at the magestic tree that grew outside my window, and at the blue sky above. I had never had this kind of freedom before; it felt so daring. It felt so freeing to just be.
I had over two hundred dollars in my wallet, and I felt very secure in my ability to sustain myself and draw in an income, even if it did mean having to have sex with undesirable and unpleasant men. I was independent. That was a big deal. A huge deal. I was actually proud of myself for making it so far.
Lost in my thoughts, I just sat and watched passers by as I daydreamed about what I could do. Who I could be. What I could become. I spotted someone down below - a black girl with a blond wig...wait! It was Unique! I waved and called down to her; she was walking with a man. It was Q, I had kind of met him when she had taken me back to her motel room.
The two of them came up to my room, and told me they were going to South Beach. They were inviting me along! I was excited!
Q said we were going to have a great time. That we were going to make a lot of money. I realized he was a pimp...but all the warnings I had received fell through.
He had just gotten out of jail, but things were going to get better..he promised!
He tried to get me to give him my money, I told him I'd hold onto it for the time being. I knew I could control this situation.
Q left, and Unique wanted to see what I looked like naked. She had me undress, and she highly approved.
Caveman knocked on my door, but she wouldn't let me open the door, or even let him know I was inside. She didn't like him.
I left all of my belongings in my room, but my room key and wallet were in my fanny pack around my waist. Unique and I began walking down the street; I'll never forget that I split a pole, and that she made us back up, and walk past it again. She told me that we needed to maintain synchronization, in other words. So as to look sexy together.
She spotted a man driving that was a frequent client of hers. He pulled into a side street, and picked us up. We stopped at a motel and began to engage in a threesome. He was so nervous, at least that was what he chocked it up to, that he could not perform. Nervous because he'd never 'done it' with two girls before.
Honestly it was difficult for me to do, and Unique made me get in positions I had never done before, were uncomfortable doing,and were humiliating for me to do for someone that wasn't responding to anything.
Unique and I left, meeting Q at the bus station. The bus was headed towards South Beach, and Q insisted that he pay. Because that's what he did. He was there to take care of us, he said. He didn't want any more talk of me paying for things.

He said he was there to take care of me. To protect me. But who would protect me from Q?